Eurovision 2023 — What’s the Deal
Eurovision is always a treat. Even a weak year will give us some memorable tunes and plenty of pop cultural micromemes that I’ll invariably end up referencing for months to come. And though this year does feel overall like a slight dip in quality from the Turin competition in 2022, I’d argue the upper echelons of this year’s entries has actually soared higher. (Law of averages, go figure.)
With the semi-finals done and the finals to come tomorrow, I wanted to put down some initial thoughts about everything that’s gone down in the competition so far. I’ll save the majority of the thoughts about the qualifying acts until part 2 after the final, being slightly curter about them here (I’ll talk about the safe 6 entries then too) — I want to give due courtesy to the 11 countries that DNQed from the two semis here (cos even the losers deserve some love too).
SEMI-FINAL 1
Interval entertainment
The hosts this year have been on the better end — while some of the awkwardness of past years is inevitably still here, the triple-act of Alesha, Hannah and Julia seem to be self-aware enough to just about pull the cringe off. Out of the three, Julia has been my absolute favourite, toeing the line between charisma and confusion perfectly — and her opening performance of her band The Hardkiss’s Mayak was a brilliant way to start the show. Rebecca Ferguson and Alyosha’s duet was memorably staged, and the sentiment was communicated well, even if some sections were a little pitchy. Not quite sure whether Rita Ora would have been my first, second, or even twenty-fifth pick for featuring here, though. Nice to see Bucks Fizz around — but Dustin the Turkey can get stuffed.
Norway — Alessandra, “Queen of Kings” — QUALIFIED. [7/10]
A fan favourite and unsurprising qualifier here. My ambivalence towards the song is entirely one of personal preference and taste — I’m just not a huge fan of this style of song with big, thumping basslines and fantasy-tinged lyrics, it’s very late 2010s ‘Epic Pirate Roleplay Playlist’ YouTube compilation to me — but Alessandra’s voice is very strong and agile, and the staging, though sparse, was memorable. Bonus points for a) the cape; b) the whistle tone.
TLDR: That’s gotta be the best pirate I’ve ever seen.
Malta — The Busker, “Dance (Our Own Party)” —DNQ. [7.5/10]
I started out with this track on the lower end of my rankings — and NGL, the sax riff still grates a little if I’m not 100% in the mood for it. But the boys undeniably have a huge amount of charisma (particularly Dav Jr, who knows how to work the camera pretty well), and the staging and graphics matched the slightly cheesy/kitsch (whichever word sounds less insulting to you) tone of the track perfectly. Interesting that the theme of warming up to party in your own style is found in multiple entries this year — and while this is no Cha Cha Cha, this is a worthy part of that line-up. Knowing Eurovision and the audience this year, I can’t say I’m surprised that this one didn’t qualify — especially in this semi-final, which was by far the stronger and more competitive of the two — but at the least, it’s a far better track than Malta’s entry last year.
TLDR: Play that funky music, white boys.
Serbia — Luke Black, “Samo mi se spava” — Qualified. [9/10]
Luka Ivanović always looks a little scared when he performs this song (well, apart from that one pre-party that originated the now-infamous ‘BITCH!’ ad-lib), but it’s all part of the act, dahling. This is on the quirkier end of this year’s selection, but Luke and co. absolutely commit to the bit. From the huge shell and the disorienting lights to the almost-Byronian costuming (not to mention the song, OH MY GOD what a song), it all works wonders. A well-deserved qualification.
TLDR: Staging is giving Botticelli’s The Birth of Venus, if the Venus in question was French symbolist poet Arthur Rimbaud.
Latvia — Sudden Lights, “Aijā” — DNQ [8/10]
Alt and indie rock have NOT had a good year this year, and “Aijā” was perhaps the most conspicuous casualty. Perhaps it was missing the rabid fan support of some of the bigger tracks of the year, perhaps people thought the staging was a little muted and unremarkable — or maybe it was just a case of being overshadowed by its neighbours in the running order. For what it’s worth, this has always been one of my favourites from this cohort— the subtle rhythmic idiosyncracy (the verses are in 5/8, dontcha know), the subversion of the idea of the lullaby, the Idioteque-esque drums, and the rich production were all highlights for me. It’s heartening to see the support the band have gotten after DNQing, and just a shame that didn’t translate to more votes on the night. My favourite bit is the little fall Andrejs does off the word ‘Please’ in the chorus — it’s wonderfully touching.
TLDR: A sweet little cradle song that catches you unawares (which, now that I think of it, isn’t really what lullabies are meant to do but OH WELL)
Portugal — Mimicat, “Ai coração” — Qualified [8/10]
Another one where the live performance completely sold me on the song as a whole. I’m not the most acquainted with fado music, which I’ll admit led me initially to write this song off slightly as a typical Eurovision traditional-music points grab, but after seeing Mimicat’s electrifying performance (and doing my due diligence and getting to know the musical context), I’ll admit, this is kind of brilliant.
TLDR: Charisma! Charm! Coração! (You flap that dress, gurl.)
Ireland — Wild Youth, “We Are One” — DNQ [3.5/10]
I can’t believe people are coming out swinging for this one when Brooke’s brilliantly campy “That’s Rich” was all but ignored last year for being ‘empty pop’. I just have never been able to get behind this song, no disrespect intended to Wild Youth who by all accounts are lovely people and decently capable musicians. It’s just — this feels VERY early 2010s teeny-bopper boy band fair, and the lyrics feel like a mission statement for Eurovision itself rather than any sincere artistic expression related to them. The performance was fine, but the costume choices were perhaps a little distracting (not that there was that much to distract from). I don’t know, I feel mean when I talk about this song, but Ireland have done much better. (It’s also amusing to think that we’ve reached a point where a large proportion of the viewers think Ireland are being systematically snubbed, when the country WON THREE YEARS IN A ROW in the 1990s. How times have changed.)
TLDR: Vampid. (A portmanteau of ‘vapid’ and The Vamps, in case you couldn’t tell.)
Croatia — Let 3, “Mama ŠČ!” — Qualified [9/10]
NEVER underestimate the power of weird in Eurovision. Let 3’s darkly satirical rock-operatic gem just about manages to fly under the nose of the ‘no-politics-at-Eurovision’ rule, but even if you ignore the message of the song (and a lot of people seem to ignore the message of the song), the balls-to-the-wall visual presentation is a surefire hit for a televote-only semifinal. Very happy for these guys, and I’m predicting a decent score in the final too.
TLDR: No no, this one actually is more intelligent than you think. Also, tighty whiteys.
Switzerland — Remo Forrer, “Watergun” — Qualified [6/10]
It’s a little unfair in my opinion to put this right after “Mama ŠČ” in the running order. Both out-and-out critiques of war and aggressive militarism, Remo Forrer’s ballad feels a little plain and on-the-nose when contrasted with the wordplay and symbolism of the previous song. Still, he’s got one of the best voices in the competition, the staging was sleek and stylish, and overall I’m glad he qualified.
TLDR: The “Mama ŠČ” that you can bring home to your parents.
Israel — Noa Kirel, “Unicorn” — Qualified [4/10]
I do want to see you dance, Noa Kirel, if only to stop you from singing these awful lyrics. Look, I think she’s a superb singer and performer — seriously, the dance break was one of the performance highlights of the whole competition so far — but this song is utter garbage at parts. I don’t even mind the stylistic swing, but the lyrics? What is the power of the unicorn? What does it have to do with being feminine-feminine-femininal? The staging is what qualified this song — so, uh, kudos for that, I guess.
TLDR: A Vitamixed piece of pop saved by some killer floorwork (and rip-away pants — we love a pair of ripaway pants)
Moldova — Pasha Parfeni, “Soarele și luna” — Qualified [5.5/10]
This year’s ‘song with a traditional folk flute solo’, I could take or leave this song. I know Pasha has some fan goodwill from competing in 2012 (c.f. Loreen below), and I always appreciate a song that fuses folklore motifs coherently into the lyrics — but I just can’t get behind his voice in this song, either in the studio version or the live show. Is it just me? Maybe it’s just me.
TLDR: Intriguing electro-folk with an underwhelming lead vocal. (I liked the cornucopia hairstyles tho.)
Sweden — Loreen, “Tattoo” — Qualified [6.5/10]
This woman has formed a cult without even knowing, istg. “Tattoo” is fine — some years it would be a Very Good Eurovision Song™, in fact — but this year it can’t help but feel a little plain. I like the staging (though the intrusive thoughts reminded me of that one performance art piece where a guy threatened to squish a rat in a box — if you know, you know), and I want Loreen and Mae Muller to go head to head in an acrylic-nails-off, but I just wish there was a little more Euphoria (geddit?) in the whole thing.
TLDR: A somewhat underwhelming return by Eurovision royalty — it’ll probably get top three though, so what do I know?
Azerbaijan — TuralTuranX, “Tell Me More” — DNQ [6/10]
This song is super cute. It never had a hope in hell of qualifying in this final (who’s bringing acoustic-guitar-led love songs to Eurovision), but it’s super cute. I’m not sure this song entirely fits two people performing it — I know they’re twins, I know that’s the schtick, but still, the song doesn’t need two vocalists, particularly when they’re in unison for most of their time singing together. Still, this is a big step in Azerbaijan’s progression in the competition, sending a domestically-written and stylistically distinct song that managed to get a fairly devoted fanbase, and I hope the DNQ won’t discourage them from refining the process further in years to come.
TLDR: Some people want to fill the world with silly love songs. (And what’s wrong with that?)
Czechia — Vesna, “My Sister’s Crown” — Qualified [8.5/10]
Part of me was disappointed that the hyper-stylised costumes and choreography from the music video weren’t replicated on stage, but once I let go of my preconceptions I found myself utterly engrossed. The mix perhaps favoured the lead vocals a tad much during the choral sections, but the new choreography with the mile-long ponytails proved an effective way of staging the song, and the girls kept the crowd absolutely engrossed throughout. This should score big come Saturday.
TLDR: Sisterhood at its strongest, harmonies at their juiciest, who could ask for anything more? (I whip my hair back and forth.)
Netherlands — Mia Nicolai and Dion Cooper, “Burning Daylight” — DNQ [7/10]
This DNQ surprised me on the night, but as I’ve thought about it more it’s increasingly made sense to me. It’s a gorgeous song — particularly the final minute, when the harmonies get thicker and the voices start extending the chords just so — but it’s also fundamentally quite a depressing one, and (even more so at the moment) if that’s not tempered with some defiance or humour, it just isn’t going to fly at Eurovision. These two are, undeniably, great, even if it took Dion a couple of phrases to fully get into the song on semi-final night, and their chemistry on stage was some of the best of the entire competition — this maybe was just the wrong year for them. A shame for sure, but a result that I’m fundamentally at peace with.
TLDR: Heterosexual “Brividi” that was a little too ‘in my feels’ for its own good.
Finland — Käärijä, “Cha Cha Cha” — Qualified [10/10]
Eurovision 2023’s Best Boy and all around super-goofball Käärijä has brought one of the most unique and charismatic entries the competition has seen in years, and is an utter joy to behold. The song is insane, the staging is brilliant, and he pulls it off with the perfect amount of camp and charm. I think I might love this man — the rest of Europe certainly seems to. (A lot of tongue, though, my guy needs to chill.)
TLDR: Would drink pina coladas with Käärijä, no question. Or do just about anything, really.
SEMI-FINAL 2
Interval entertainment
Why were Scooch here? Why did we have to remind everyone we sent that song? But seriously, this semi had a WEIRD hodgepodge of interval acts. I never begrudge seeing Luke Evans on my screen, but something about this ‘spoken word piece’ felt very ‘Year 10 GCSE Drama’. The musical acts were better — the Ukrainian medley was touching if a little Spotify-shuffle-y. The drag/dance performance was, perhaps unsurprisingly, the show-stopper here — and the best representation of the British-Ukrainian joint spirit the competition has been about this year by a country mile. Have watched on repeat almost non-stop since last night. Oh, also, Peppa Pig.
Denmark — Reiley, “Breaking My Heart” — DNQ [4/10]
I…… don’t know what happened here. Not the best song of the competition by any means, but a decently strong one, and one that should have been a clear qualifier with its radio appeal and the charm of its singer (he’s a popular TikToker too, he should have had an advantage in the televote) — but something was up. His vocals were weak, almost like he’d lost his voice altogether, and he felt like he was just drifting through the staging rather than really attempting to put on a show. The outfit was kinda fun — I appreciate a motivic cutout on a piece of clothing — but otherwise this performance fell hella flat. Possibly the biggest let-down of the competition so far. (Enjoyed the reactions of people finding out how old he was though.)
TLDR: The title kinda sums up how I felt about the performance, ngl.
Armenia — Brunette, “Future Lover” — Qualified [5/10]
This is up there with “Unicorn” for me as a song that truly baffles. The lyrics are, objectively, poor, at least for the first half — “Drink smoothies at near cafes” might be one of the worst lyrics to ever appear at the competition. The stylistic variance, once again, isn’t really an issue to me on its own — but here it really feels like an attempt just to ‘be different’, with little to no artistic justification for the song itself. Good for managing to qualify from the ‘death slot’ though — second performances from semi-finals almost never manage to get through.
TLDR: … I legitimately don’t understand why this one is so popular, so I guess I’ll just sit my ass back down.
Romania — Theodor Andrei, ‘D.G.T. (Off and On)’ — DNQ [4/10]
This guy shouldn’t have been singing this song. With a more typically ‘rock’-y frontman this song could have qualified, but Theodor is just too young and not commanding enough on stage to pull a song this steamy and gutsy off adequately. The big morph-suit-clad iterations of him on the backdrop were intensely creepy, and though some of the songs lyrics are delightfully blunt in their horniness (he just straight-up asks the target of the song to take off her clothes and step on him), I couldn’t help but feel a little uncomfy the whole time. Also, can we PLEASE drop the blazer-and-shorts thing, it has never looked cool.
TLDR: Wannabe human doormat won’t be welcoming Eurovision home to Romania next year.
Estonia — Alika, “Bridges” — Qualified [8.5/10]
I didn’t have Alika down as a qualifier this year — not on account of the song (which I love) or her performance of it, but just that I thought there were more crowd-pleasing ballads to fill that slot in the final. However, she pulled out all the stops in the semi, and the Estonian team figured out the perfect way to stage the song. And that final note — honestly, the vocal highlight of the show.
TLDR: Brilliant voice, strong song, pitch-perfect staging and judicious use of player piano.
Belgium — Gustaph, “Because of You” — Qualified [8/10]
Even if the interval drag queens hadn’t delivered, we would have still gotten a healthy dose of queer joy at Gustaph’s hands. Perhaps the underlying instrumental is a touch generic, but the unbridled positivity this song unleashes more than compromises. The staging was a little Akhnaten-at-the-Met-Opera, but it gave the song extra visual flair. (And big up Pussy with the voguing — we love to see it.)
TLDR: Ballroom enough for the gays, pop enough for the straights, and enough good vibes to go around for everyone.
Cyprus — Andrew Lambrou, “Break a Broken Heart” — Qualified [6/10]
This is the “this kind of song” of the competition — a big electropop ballad with a thundering reverb and plenty of big vocal moments for the audience to try, and ultimately fail, to sing along to (there’s always one). It’s not the most unique or intricately written song, and you could hear Lambrou’s voice starting to tire half-way through his performance at the semi-finals, but I’m not surprised it qualified. Also, they knew what they were doing, styling this guy in a vest — shameless, utterly shameless.
TLDR: Whoo-oo-oo-oooooo-oo-oo-oooo-oo-ooooo. (You’ll hear it a lot.)
Iceland — Diljá, “Power” — DNQ [6/10]
A surprisingly generic entry from Iceland, who usually provide something fun and memorable even if more popularly oriented (this is the country whose Eurovision exploits gave us Daði Freyr, after all). Diljá has undoubtedly got one of the strongest voices in the competition this year, but with the dime-a-dozen EDM in the background, I feel like it could have been better utilised. Evidently Iceland saw Systur’s DNQ last year and tried to swing as far away from that stylistically as possible, but taking the egregiously radio-friendly route clearly hasn’t paid off here either. Also, another ‘extricating myself from a toxic relationship’ song — the year’s other favourite theme.
TLDR: It’s not trying to be Björk — maybe it should be?
Greece — Victor Vernicos, “What They Say” — DNQ [5.5/10]
Part of me wanted Victor to qualify just because he’s 16 and it would have been nice — but I can’t pretend this wasn’t one of the weaker performances in the semi-final. It’s a decently written song, never mind for a teenager (though I kinda wish the more openly poetic tone of the first verse kept up throughout), but his youth clearly came through on stage, in both his presence and his vocals. His jumping felt less like a move to hype up the crowd and more like he was in a very long queue for a train station bathroom. I also think that the audience (both in the stadium and at home) was starting to get a little tired at this point in the semi-final (as I said before, a weaker showing overall than Semi-Final 1), which won’t have helped — but do I think this was going through if it was anywhere else in the running order? No.
TLDR: Let’s stop sending kids to adult Eurovision, it’s not fair. (Also, why was he dressed like Steve Irwin?)
Poland — Blanka, “Solo” — Qualified [3/10]
HER. What is she doing here? No matter how much I enjoy the increasingly farcical meme-isation of the opening “Bejba”, this song is a stinker. It feels like it’s trying to jump on Chanel’s bandwagon from last year (it’s only one letter off “Slo-Mo” too) without any idea of what made that song so good and captivating. I feel like Aoi Todo — this song is so boring I want to cry. The staging was, uh, dynamic though, so pop off queen, or something.
TLDR: GET HER AWAY FROM ME.
Slovenia — Joker Out, “Carpe Diem” — Qualified [8.5/10]
It’s something of a blessing that Joker Out broke the indie-rock curse of the first semi-final, and deservedly so too. Bojan is a wonderfully charismatic frontman of the most playful kind, and the entire band knew how to work the room. Another party song, too, and one of the most infectious ones we’ve gotten in years. Being the only song of this genre in the final should corner them some decent points. (Also, it seems basically EVERY other artist in the competition adores these guys, and I now understand why.)
TLDR: Finally, some good fucking [qualifying indie rock].
Georgia — Iru, “Echo” — DNQ [7.5/10]
My heart honestly broke for Iru, who I was convinced would comfortably break Georgia’s non-qualification streak this year. The song is another stand-and-sing showstopper, and her vocals were a highlight of the evening. Perhaps after the energy of Joker Out, her staging was a little static — or perhaps an oversaturation of the larger emotional ballads in this semi meant that votes that would have gone her way got diverted to Estonia and Albania instead? They are the only possible justifications I can think of as to why this didn’t get through (PARTICULARLY when you look at a certain song that qualified instead… I’ll behave, I’ll behave), and a huge shame. I’m normally a little wary of acts returning to Eurovision in a later year, but I hope Iru gives it another go in a year where the running order isn’t so stacked against her.
TLDR: The year’s biggest loss — I’m honestly still not quite over it, I’m, I just, I, uhhhhhh
San Marino — Piqued Jacks, “Like an Animal” — DNQ [4/10]
I started Eurovision season really liking this song, but as the past couple months have progressed I’ve found myself caring less and less about it. The lyrics are also… just kinda fundamentally creepy? The performance is perfectly middle-of-the-road for Eurovision rock — they delivered on energy (in particular the bassist, who I feel was having a spiritual experience off in the background), but perhaps not enough on drama and audience engagement. Also, E-King’s voice, while clearly well-trained, just has this unrelenting Adam-Levine-y nasally-tenor quality to it that gets on my nerves after too long. It’s just… eh, a bordering-on-passable song, nothing more.
TLDR: Please don’t just randomly smell women. This has been a PSA.
Austria — Teya and Salena, “Who the Hell Is Edgar?” — Qualified [9/10]
When the rehearsal footage came out of Liverpool on Wednesday, a lot of people were worried about Teya and Salena. Why oh why did we ever doubt them? A clear fan favourite and another secretly-serious masterpiece from this year, the pair were snappy, slick and comedic enough to captivate and convince the entire audience. Calling top 5 for them.
TLDR: poe poe poe poe poe poe poe poe poe poe poe poe poe poe poe EDGAR ALLAN EDGAR ALLAN. (Quoth the raven, “Nevermore.”)
Albania — Albina and Familja Kelmendi, “Duje” — Qualified [8/10]
Even after the brilliant performance at the semi-final, I was worried for this song’s chances. I shouldn’t have been — despite “Duje”’s slow start in gaining traction amongst the fandom, it has emerged as one of the year’s most arresting entries. The family angle is nice (even if the brother(?) looks like he might die of shame at any given moment), but the clear highlight is undoubtedly Albina’s incredible vocal control.
TLDR: Underdog ethno-pop track demonstrates the power of solid singing, good composition and simple but effective staging — but someone get that one guy a beer.
Lithuania — Monika Linkytė, “Stay” — Qualified [7/10]
Monika Linkytė has competed for Lithuania once before, and entered the national selection competition FIVE OTHER TIMES — but the experience clearly shows here. As arresting and distinctive as last year’s Lithuanian entry (“Sentimentai” by fellow Monika, Monika Liu) it is not, but it’s heartfelt and memorable, and clearly helped revitalise the audience towards the end of the semi.
TLDR: It’s nice to have a Eurovision song this year where the singer wants to stay with their SO. Love isn’t dead after all.
Australia — Voyager, “Promise” — Qualified [7.5/10]
This song (and the performance that accompanied it on Thursday) achieves everything that San Marino aimed for and missed. Is it unashamedly glammy? — of course, Voyager are a prog metal band, it’s the whole deal. But Danny and Alex’s voices are both great, the whole band brings a huge amount of energy, and they even got a little bit of distinctive staging in too. (Slightly clown-car, but not distractingly so). Also, big up the keytar solo, we love a keytar solo in this house.
TLDR: The best hard rock song of the competition so far — Germany will have some stiff competition in the final.
So there we are, that’s my potted rundown of the semi-finals — a few key disappointments going both ways, but on the whole we should have a high-quality and very competitive final on our hands. Saturday’s final will introduce the Big Five and last year’s winner Ukraine to the mix — and so Part 2 of this will follow in a couple of days! Until then, I’m gonna stand here like a unicorn, and thoroughly confuse everyone while I do so.
A.C.
EDIT: so i never got around to writing up my thoughts of the final — so I thought i’d just amend them on here.
FIRSTLY, the voting system is a bigger issue than I think anyone realises, and no solutions that are put forward are perfect. I personally think there should be MORE jurors, and at the very least ones who appreciate a wide variety of music (one of the Austrian jurors this year very publically slagged off Eurovision itself, which… isn’t good), and that the jurors at least should put forward a full ranking of every country’s songs to be scored — but both the televote and the public are essential parts of the Eurovision system that have been included explicitly to redress supposed shortcomings in previous years.
Second of all — the leaderboard. Germany getting snubbed has stopped being funny, but perhaps even more surprising were the public’s lack of love for Austria and Spain’s entries, both of which have been fan-favourites and top-10 shoe-ins since the start of Euroseason. Obviously, a lot of the fan efforts were directed towards getting Käärijä to the top, and the juries all rode Sweden’s dick, which saw a lot of other entries suffering as a result — but Israel’s success (and even Italy’s, to a degree) were surprising to me. Nice to see ‘Solo’ crash and burn, wish it had sunk further. Proud of Let 3 for cornering as much of the public vote as they had, and I only wish the judges had read a little deeper into the meaning of the song. I still don’t get Future Lover, but I’m willing to take the L there.
Thirdly — the live show. The hosts were great, Graham was a nice addition, and Mel churning butter made me spit out my tea. The mood was slightly tense during the score-readings when the audience started chanting over the hosts, but Philipp Hansa in his #ally shirt and a clearly-drunk Catherine Tate made up for it. The interval acts and flag-parade were TOP TIER — always nice to see Go_A on my screen again — though i think both Kalush Orchestra’s and Sam Ryder’s follow up singles aren’t quite as good as their Eurovision entries. Hannah Waddingham continued to embody ‘overly invested aunt at a gay wedding’ and I was THERE for it.
Finally — the aftermath. The Loreen/Käärijä war is quite frankly unnecessary, particularly considering how much love the two artists have shown for each other, and needs to END, sweet Lord. To that end, this year in particular feels like one of the most friendly and integrated post-competition — the amount of times I’ve seen the artists popping up in each other’s social media (or even gigs — Bojan flying to Finland to appear in a Käärijä concert is one of the all-time great Eurovision spin-offs). I’m convinced that the class of 2023 will go down as one of the all-time greats in Eurovision history, despite all the controversy, and one I’ll look back too fondly for years to come. Onto Sweden and 2024!
